When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder: A Guide for Adult Children by Daniel S Lobel PhD

Author:Daniel S Lobel PhD [Lobel PhD, Daniel S]
Language: eng
Format: azw3, epub
ISBN: 9781641527248
Publisher: Rockridge Press
Published: 2019-10-07T16:00:00+00:00

FORM BEFORE CONTENT

Content and form are distinct aspects of all verbal communication. Content refers to what you are talking about—where to have dinner, for example, or your impressions of a movie or TV show. Form is how people are talking. This includes tone, receptivity, and whether people are being competitive or cooperative in the conversation.

When frustrated, BPD sufferers sometimes use hurtful or abusive communication. You can use this form before content technique to refuse to talk with your mother (the content) if the way she is communicating is hurtful or disrespectful (the form). You set a boundary where you do not allow your mother to be hurtful toward you while you address what she has said.

Here’s an example of a phone conversation between Keira and her daughter Lilia.

KEIRA:Lilia, I need you to come over right away!

LILIA:What do you need?

KEIRA:It’s not good enough that I SAY I need you?

LILIA:I’m at work right now. Is this an emergency?

KEIRA:It is to me!

LILIA:What is it?

KEIRA:Never mind. You obviously don’t want to help me. I don’t know why I even bother to call you.

LILIA:I’ll help you, but I need to know what you need. Once I know that, I’ll get there as soon as I can.

KEIRA:Forget it, I’ll just call someone else.

At this point, many people might give in, feed their mother’s illness, leave work, and rush over to their mother’s home. Often, the situation then escalates: They may show up annoyed, the mother senses this, and then criticizes her child for not being happy to help her and perhaps for not showing up fast enough. If this happens in the situation between Keira and Lilia on the phone, Lilia could use a secondary response, to be used if the primary response is unsuccessful. Lilia can use the form before content method and respond: “Mom, I’m trying to help you out. If you want to discuss what’s going on with you, I’m pretty sure I can help you, but I won’t talk to you about it if you speak to me with hostility.”

If Keira continues with hostility, Lilia can simply reiterate that she won’t talk about it until Keira adjusts her tone. This might not happen right away. Keira might hang up on Lilia. If she does, the best approach is not to call her back. She knows that if she wants help Lilia will help her, but that she has to be reasonable. If Lilia helps her while she is being hurtful, then she is showing Keira that when she needs Lilia’s help all she has to do is hurt her and she will get what she wants.

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